&hearts

I used to believe that love was this elusive thing, like February 29th or Halley's Comet, that would travel through my hemisphere only once in a blue moon. And I'd be lucky if--and only if--I were able to catch it as it flew by. 

This notion stuck with me throughout most of my young life--through the YA romance novels, the Nicholas Sparks movies, the Pablo Nerudas, the sappy yet sad songs, and especially the can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, World Series kinda stuff. 

But one day I fell in love. And everything I had previously thought seemed to be completely validated. 

It was playful, and dizzying, and exciting, and fun and just about everything else you'd ever expect from falling in love for the first time. For a while, this person held me together. My heart. My mind. My soul. Until all of the sudden, he let go. And when I fell apart, so did the very foundation of the thing I had always believed to be love.

Piecing my life back together after this was grueling. 

And there are other instances when the grout crumbled and there I stood broken. 

Break-ups. Loss. Confusion. Loneliness. Whatever.

Piecing my life back together after was grueling.  

And however inconsequential and small it seems in the grand scheme of things, heartbreak is a real, physical type of pain that manifests itself by twisting your stomach into all kinds of knots, and bringing out the ugliest of insecurities.

And it hurts. It just hurts.

But what I've learned is that if you can get through it, there is a wholeness waiting for you on the other side. (Notice the word "through" is not "over.") 

A wholeness that contains real love. The type of love that makes you confident without make-up. Independent. Fierce. The kind of love that keeps you from feeling lonely. Even when you are alone. A safe place to unravel. Laughter. 

I find it in the love of my friends, my family, and my God. 

I find it in the world around me, but most importantly I have found it in myself.

Love is not elusive anymore. It's not to be searched for. Because love is always there.

It is simply always there.

It's in the quiet moments, watching Gilmore Girl reruns in bed with your best friend. It's in those late night talks, those heated games of Kemps, those blissful drives, blasting your "Car ride Bumpin" playlist with the windows rolled down--it's there. 

I just had to recognize it.

The universe is in no debt to me. But in any circumstance, goodness is to be found.

If that isn't love, I don't know what is. 

xo.pa

This has been sitting in my draft box for a month...

I had a revelation last week. It was my half-birthday. 1.15.15. 
It went something like this: you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be selfish, and you deserve people who earn the right to be in your life.

It was in the audience of Alex Boyes performance when the thoughts rolled to me. I thought of last year and how horrible and beautiful it all was. 

And I realized that it doesn't ever really get easier to grow out of relationships and friendships. But as I've lived in a new city and made a new home and found new friends, I want to move towards a healthier peace of mind. 

I crave this new beginning like I crave donuts every saturday morning. And I want to carry with me into my new life a new sense of pride. I want to be proud of all of my accomplishments including being proud of the people I surround myself with. I want to carry those friendships that are supportive and constructive to my well being. I want to be proud not just of small pieces of my life, but to be proud of every bit of it. Because even when one or two pieces are out of sync, it has the ability to make the rest feel off balanced.

I want to cherish life a bit more. And I believe for the most part I truly have. I bike. I run. I move my body. Those things help me appreciate more. 

Starting anew means rebuilding it all, starting from the ground up. I want to cherish the things around me and notice the good things. I want to be deliberate in what I decide to allow into my new life and what choices I make for my future. I want to be tough but compassionate. I want to be gentle on myself and free the guilt I may have of being someone's downfall.

I have this feeling. I have a feeling that with the right amount of effort and focus, I can get far. I have the itch to be bold and challenge myself to do more than I think I can. And, by golly, I'm so excited for that challenge.








xo.pa

it's been a little rough

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer. | Rainer Maria Rilke








xo.pa

twenty. fifteen.

This last year has been one hell of a ride. But the thing about life being really crappy for a really long time is this: it gets better.

Which doesn’t seem like much of a consolation, I know. But I don’t think it’s meant to be. It’s not the consolation, it’s the reward. It’s the everything-after.

It gets better. And that better is a delicious and meaty sort of that thing.

It. Gets. Better.

I say that with a deep exhale of relief and exhaustion and joy.

Like collapsing onto a bed at the end of a very long and very good day.

It gets better.

Shame recedes with the waves at low-tide. And gratitude rushes in. For everything. For the whole of my life. Not a part of it, but the whole messy lot. And for the grace that is that mess. The perfect ordered chaos of it. Because for what it is, it's quite beautiful. 

It gets better and good becomes a flutter in my chest. A constant hum.  And I become aware of the musculature of my own heart—how it pulses and expands and grows. And to be privy to the physical experience of that.…everything begins to feel like a prayer. A prayer of gratitude and wonder and a delicious sort of blooming. Every action an act of faith.

Faith.

I'm a religious person. So. Faith, that's the word that wets my lips and sits on my tongue and fills what once was empty.

Faith.

The thing that rolls out like the proverbial yellow brick road.  A path before you. And you don’t know where you’re going, but you know you’re on your way.

Faith.

Which makes fear beside the point. And makes tributaries of loneliness and sorrow and grief—small streams leading to a larger body of water, important and necessary but not the point.

Which disappears loneliness—transforms it—makes it sweet in its impermanence.

Everything worthy and good I learned through the lens of anxiety and depression and heartache. Which is something I struggle to explain—baggage is not exactly an easy lead in at any kind of party.

Now standing firmly on the other side of those things, the question of how I got better is one I’m often asked. And the answer is a simple and complex as this: I had faith I would. And so I did. And I still have faith.

And that very faith is what I move forward with into this new year. That nearly overwhelming stretch of time succeeds in distilling everything dark and complex and seemingly impossible into that one thing—that one word. And that one word will break me open—make me sturdy and soft and so very human.

Faith, the invitation to my very own ever-after.

 So there, 2015, it. gets. better.

xo.pa

...

To think you can love God without being changed by Him, is to think you can jump into the ocean and not get wet. To really love Him, you must understand that your life is going to be wrecked by Him, and built again into something beautiful, something lasting. T.B. LaBerge

Quotes from the tinies:

"What are some planets in our solar system?"
"Jerkeley"
"Ploodle"
"Urawenis"

"How'd you get that scratch on you face?"
"Well...well...I got all curled up in my bed and then I was rolling around because that's how I be comfortable. Then I got all twisted up and then got this scratch. And my mom and dad didn't come!"

"Would you like to make an indian hat?"
"My mom doesn't like that."
"Well what do you like?"
"Puppies."

Back shot of the tinies because they deserve their privacy. 

xo.pa

Quotes from the tinies:

Tiny Question:
"Do you go to church? The one that learns you Jesus and God?"

Tiny remarks:
"You know I make a really great pirate 'cause I make a spyglass with my hands."

"My mom tricked me! She told me she was gonna put ice on my face and she put peas instead!!!"
(Tiny was real upset over this trickery. And said she would have preferred a sandwich on her face in lieu of the peas.)

"Miss Peri, you have a pink shirt on and I have a little pink so we're kind of cousins."

xo.pa