&hearts

I used to believe that love was this elusive thing, like February 29th or Halley's Comet, that would travel through my hemisphere only once in a blue moon. And I'd be lucky if--and only if--I were able to catch it as it flew by. 

This notion stuck with me throughout most of my young life--through the YA romance novels, the Nicholas Sparks movies, the Pablo Nerudas, the sappy yet sad songs, and especially the can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, World Series kinda stuff. 

But one day I fell in love. And everything I had previously thought seemed to be completely validated. 

It was playful, and dizzying, and exciting, and fun and just about everything else you'd ever expect from falling in love for the first time. For a while, this person held me together. My heart. My mind. My soul. Until all of the sudden, he let go. And when I fell apart, so did the very foundation of the thing I had always believed to be love.

Piecing my life back together after this was grueling. 

And there are other instances when the grout crumbled and there I stood broken. 

Break-ups. Loss. Confusion. Loneliness. Whatever.

Piecing my life back together after was grueling.  

And however inconsequential and small it seems in the grand scheme of things, heartbreak is a real, physical type of pain that manifests itself by twisting your stomach into all kinds of knots, and bringing out the ugliest of insecurities.

And it hurts. It just hurts.

But what I've learned is that if you can get through it, there is a wholeness waiting for you on the other side. (Notice the word "through" is not "over.") 

A wholeness that contains real love. The type of love that makes you confident without make-up. Independent. Fierce. The kind of love that keeps you from feeling lonely. Even when you are alone. A safe place to unravel. Laughter. 

I find it in the love of my friends, my family, and my God. 

I find it in the world around me, but most importantly I have found it in myself.

Love is not elusive anymore. It's not to be searched for. Because love is always there.

It is simply always there.

It's in the quiet moments, watching Gilmore Girl reruns in bed with your best friend. It's in those late night talks, those heated games of Kemps, those blissful drives, blasting your "Car ride Bumpin" playlist with the windows rolled down--it's there. 

I just had to recognize it.

The universe is in no debt to me. But in any circumstance, goodness is to be found.

If that isn't love, I don't know what is. 

xo.pa

This has been sitting in my draft box for a month...

I had a revelation last week. It was my half-birthday. 1.15.15. 
It went something like this: you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be selfish, and you deserve people who earn the right to be in your life.

It was in the audience of Alex Boyes performance when the thoughts rolled to me. I thought of last year and how horrible and beautiful it all was. 

And I realized that it doesn't ever really get easier to grow out of relationships and friendships. But as I've lived in a new city and made a new home and found new friends, I want to move towards a healthier peace of mind. 

I crave this new beginning like I crave donuts every saturday morning. And I want to carry with me into my new life a new sense of pride. I want to be proud of all of my accomplishments including being proud of the people I surround myself with. I want to carry those friendships that are supportive and constructive to my well being. I want to be proud not just of small pieces of my life, but to be proud of every bit of it. Because even when one or two pieces are out of sync, it has the ability to make the rest feel off balanced.

I want to cherish life a bit more. And I believe for the most part I truly have. I bike. I run. I move my body. Those things help me appreciate more. 

Starting anew means rebuilding it all, starting from the ground up. I want to cherish the things around me and notice the good things. I want to be deliberate in what I decide to allow into my new life and what choices I make for my future. I want to be tough but compassionate. I want to be gentle on myself and free the guilt I may have of being someone's downfall.

I have this feeling. I have a feeling that with the right amount of effort and focus, I can get far. I have the itch to be bold and challenge myself to do more than I think I can. And, by golly, I'm so excited for that challenge.








xo.pa