the woman I want to be

I peaked in first grade when I won a Martin Luther King essay writing contest for grades K-12 and it's been downhill for me ever since.

There have been little peaks on my decent, of course, with other minor achievements. But I can't find myself discovering anything more monumental than I did on that cold January evening as I concluded my essay.

I was a little girl then, and I wrote about the dream of a man who had altered and unraveled the views of America which eventually created the equality we know today. Everything about him--his gumption, his beliefs, his words--is real and empowering. And that's just the thing. He wasn't afraid to let himself be heard--to outwardly be himself--which for him, was a rather scary approach.

It was then, as I sat there scribbling away, that I realized I have a dream, too.

I have a dream of the woman I want to become, the woman I feel God has intended for me to be. I haven't always known where life would take me (obvi) or what to do with my life (duh) and circumstances were not always ideal (life). But deep down I've always known that woman. And I discovered who that woman was that evening.


I want to be the kind of woman that is happy because she lives life wholly. Not fully, but wholly.
Which part of that wholeness is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure--everything that makes us who we are. Happiness and fulfillment and triumph are nice little things that will also happen, but do they really teach us much? I'll have a board on my wall with the word "wholeness" painted on it, and every day I'll ask myself, "Is this contributing to my wholeness?" and if I'm having a bad day, it is.

I want to be a woman who embraces life. Who is happy but doesn't fear the sadness. To have balance. Balance between investing in all the right things and paying attention and putting forth all my efforts and then being able to let go and not care.

I want to be the kind of woman that takes care of herself. To not be afraid of her dreams. Dreams of every sort. To have wrinkles around my eyes and lips from all the laughter and smiling. And to laugh loud, loving with all the kindness in the world.

I want to eat healthily and move my body because it's good for me. To be a woman who takes off her make-up every night and actually flosses her teeth the number of times recommended by the dentist. And wears heels...or no heels is fine, too.

I want to live life out loud and to be unapologetically authentically myself. I can't imagine anything more beautiful than a girl unabashedly being the woman God intended for her to be. And becoming that woman. I want to open my mind to every form of beauty.

I want to have a career--a part of that career being motherhood--and be successful at it. For my babies to come to me before they go to someone else because we have that kind of relationship. That trust. That love.

I want to be the kind of woman that gives other women the want to be better. To be thankful for everything. Truly thankful. Even the really small things. Small things like pearl earrings.

I want pictures everywhere. And frames everywhere. And words. But instead of seeing borderline-bad-interior-decorating, it will remind that I have a good and full life.

I want to always pray beneath trees that reach upward and outward.
I want to be a God-fearing woman. Because I know He's real. That He's there and that He cares. And I know that He always will be. And that sets me free. Because in the end that's what we all really need, right?

Freedom.

Freedom.
God gives that.







xo.pa