Emotions are such tricky little things they're not easily placed. I think about this in my bed when I'm so tired I can't sleep and then so awake sleep will not be met.
I feel a lot, and most times those feelings are good. For a long time, my thoughts consumed my mind and then later who I was. I became a monster and then that monster did bad things to me.
Now, it's been nearly two years since I've hurt myself.
The thing about depression is that we think that we have control over it, but we don't. We sometimes think that it isn't real, but it is. We talk about it like it should be easy, we say just don't think about it, we walk away maybe because we're scared we can't give what's needed, but for years my mind was not my own, and sometimes it's still not.
Depression is much more complex than the common cold or cancer. Soup cures colds and x-rays can find the bad stuff. It's much deeper than a negative thought. It's the consumption of a life. But no one knows about depression because it's indecisive. And when you don't know what it's like, it's hard to not be irrational about the situation. Because I've been there too. I'll tell you what it's like. It's like walking in a river upstream. The rocks are slippery and sharp, the water piercing and raging. When you reach for help the people on the dry riverside say it's not that bad, you're fine, just try harder. Instead of reaching out a stable hand, they watch you slip, fall, and eventually drown. And for me, I was pushed so deep into the waves that I wanted to drown. Drowning was easier. So that is what I did; that is what my mind did to me. It let me drown.
My mind continues to betray me, over and over. The pounds of misperception pile on and my mind won't match up with what is real and tangible and known. I don't know which way is up, which way down, or if I was ever on solid ground.
It was then that someone reached out their hand to me. He pulled me closer to the dry ground. You take a step and get a firm footing while I hold your hand and arm steady. Then I will take a step while you stand firmly and furnish the support. We will work our way through this roiling, swift water over these slippery rocks. With this mutual support, we crossed the river safely. I started to recover.
But it was still hard. Things became more clear. And the ground wasn't so slippery. That peace was rendered by the one who held my hand the whole way, teaching me how to plant my feet. He walked with me and told me, I'll help you if you let me. He gave way to what I didn't know was there, which is totally different from what my mind perceived--not nearly so frenetic or possessive or scary.
Be faithful...and I will encircle thee in the arms of my love D&C 6:20Never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. As President Monson said, "That love never changes. ...It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God's love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there."
Never, ever doubt that, and never harden your heart.
Your Heavenly Father loves you.
And He will never give up on you.
Faithfully pursue activities that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life. Seek and ask for guidance. Pray unto your loving Father in Heaven for love and support. Ask for and cherish priesthood blessings. Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. I will say that again--Hope. Is. Never. Lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior's own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting that happier days are ahead.
Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind.
I am so well now. I'll never be free of the thing, but I can sort through the occasional confusion by my own tangle of emotions, which has nothing to do with the thing and everything to do with the daily struggle and blessing of my human existence. But such confusion sometimes stirs the sediment, dislodging forgotten pieces of the thing.
I took control of my mind. And what that means is I can look at my reflection with much affection for the woman I am now--the woman who got through it, the woman who looks in the mirror and sees she's happy.
Before anything else I can see that I am happy.
And my Savior made that possible.
