Acceptance.

My writing has lost its voice when I decided to not be over dramatic about this because that’s usually what I am, and that’s the last thing that I need to be.

I’ll write something frenetic, out of perspective, and more peri-esque soon. For now I need to rationally mull through reality.  

Then:

I lived on my own for 4 years. I traveled the world.

I provided for myself. I ran marathons. 

I was an independent (missionary) and happy with that.

Now:

I live at home. I cannot drive. I have a 24/7 baby-sitter.

I have to wear a helmet when I run and tell myself that it’s better than headgear.

I am dependent and it is hard because I feel capable.  

This is the hardest part. Accepting the difference between the before and the after, the I-am-just-going-to-have-to-get-over-being-dependent factor and convincing myself that it won’t last for forever.   

Because it won't.

I've prayed more times since the beginning of this year than I have in my entire life. That may not be true, but my prayers have increased and so had my relationship with God been strengthened. God is so real. He hears me all the time. And I can feel Him loving me. I think that's the thing that God loves most about being God--the thrill of being merciful, especially to those who don’t expect it and don’t feel deserving of it. 

I can’t do this. (being over dramatic)

You can and you will he said.

You can and you will.

xo.pa