On heartbreak

This heartbreak has been different.

I said goodbye May 9th, but I didn't leave until the morning of the 10th. I needed to have some time to understand, feel, and regroup—but feelings weren't accounted for here. Just my physical health.  

She called during weekly planning. Fridays are weekly planning days. May 9^th was Friday.

  

It felt out-of-body, at first, when I got that phone call. You have a flight home for tomorrow at noon. and I couldn't control it. There wasn't anything I could do to try to stop it from happening, so I did what I knew how, or rather what my body knew how. It cried. 

Sister S took the phone and talked to her.

My makeup was smeared by the tears coursing their paths down my face.  

Was this really happening?

Speechless.
What do you say when there aren't words?

We sat in quiet until we didn't. 

Sister S was in shock too. What is happening? Is this for reals? Both of us wordless.

accents. that's how we tore down the silence and revived ourselves. we spoke in accents. accents were our   tradition. during companion study, we always spoke in accent.   

terribly inaccurate ones, mind you. sliding from southern to british to ghetto white girls.

I’m sorry it’s a bad day. She 'd said to console.

No. Not a bad day, just bad news.

Then.

Stared at the mirror.

Washed my face.

And

And we laughed, and exhaled, and went out for ice cream.
We shared embarrassing stories and looked at photos and listened.  we never did get to that point in the transfer where you divulge your pre-mission love life.

 but it was just bad news.

And we stuck by that.

---

May 10th.
It was there until it wasn't.

I couldn't leave. I couldn't let me leave.

but I did. I had to. and I needed me to be healthy.

it all is for the best.

The last few tender moments broke my heart.

I held on until I wouldn't.
I had to save a few heartstrings to keep myself going.
to keep my lungs expanding and contracting
and the blood pumping.

then, I couldn't feel  anymore

dropped my papers and my bag.

blurs. 

We stood there in the airport. The three of us. The woman on the phone, Sister S, and me. I cried and pulled my best efforts as Lawyer Adams but no luck. There wasn't a thing I could do or that she could do. Then she hugged me tight like a mom would. It’s hard for me too, you know, but you have to go. I didn't feel ready, but it felt right

So I turned around and walked a

                                                       w

                                                       a

                                                       y.

They didn’t stand there for too long.

Because I turned around and looked.

   a searing rent 

       a hollow ache

the remaining heartstrings snapped

This is real. I’m headed home..

        and the mission life moved on without me.

My breath clouded the small plane window
       This is what the end looked like, and I breathed it in.
       I felt it swell down my throat, flush through my veins
       it all became haze.
Arizona disappeared
and my forehead fell against the warm glass

I'll be back .

There's something telling me I'll be back.