l'hopital

Top Left: Sister Missionaries. Jones and Loveland.    Top Right: Self portrait.      Bottom: My wonky brainwaves and me.  

You guys. I was classified as a FALL RISK.

Seriously? A fall risk? Me?

I tried to ignore it, but they put those words on a bright yellow band and fastened it around my wrist denoting that I, indeed, am in what I suspect to be 28 point font Arial. There was no denying it.

I mean, my whole life I've been clumsy. The kind of clumsy that finds you in the grocery store carrying all the ingredients for lasagna in your arms and then all of a sudden you find yourself face flat in a mess of cottage cheese. The kind of clumsy that has you hanging out the side of a SUV by a seat belt because you accidentally fell out of the car before you could unbuckle yourself. And the kind of clumsy that has you fall while walking down the sidewalk, not because your foot stubbed a raised crack of concrete or because a tuft of grass magically grew, but because you are really just that clumsy to trip over nothing. That's me.

I was in denial over this whole thing. But in my defense, it's one thing to be clumsy (even if it's the can't-go-anywhere-or-do-anything-without-falling kind) and totally escalated to be medically classified as a "fall risk."

There are things that come along with this title, other than a little shame. 
Things like padded side rails. An alarmed bed in case the patient tries to sneak away.* And the constant over-care of a few too many nurses.

Let's not forget the good in my situation. An unlimited supply of diet Coke with pebble ice continuously served at my command. Yes, please! 


*She walked in the door and her eloquence and wholeness found themselves right next to me. How are you girl? You doing good? She has a knack for making herself feel comfortable and letting other feel comfortable, too. The chat lasted no more than ten seconds before she sat on the end of my bed. And the instant her fanny touched my luscious white sheets alarms went off. We're talking border line fire truck sirens here. She popped up so fast saying Was that me? No, it couldn't have been me. Was that really me? What did I do? 

Nurses rushed in. Three of them. And that's when we found out my bed was alarmed. It was the highlight of my hospital stay. My brain waves were ALL. OVER. THE. PLACE. then. Nearly gave me a seizure from laughing so hard. 






xo.pa