milkshakes are worth having twice.

I got this phone call today from my brother. he's good to me. really good to me and knows what to do better than any boyfriend ever has. it's kind of sad, but I'm grateful for that.

he called me while I was doing what we have always called research--which is really just therapeutic writing, but research resonates much better than that.

hey, per. what's up?
just research.
you want me to bring you a milkshake or something?
*sigh* yeah.

the thing is, is that he never knows but he always does. and that's why he's so great. (sorry ladies, he's not a single man.)

it was one of those days where i forgot to forgive myself. this is exactly what he taught me--he taught me to forgive myself. because i'm no good at that.

he said forgive yourself the nights you forget to wash your face or set an alarm. forgive yourself for completing that math homework last year with a less-than-passing-grade. you did what you could and sometimes that is good enough. he said when you wake up in the middle of the night and accidentally eat all the Toblerones in your top drawer that you brought back from Europe and were saving for a really shady time, forgive yourself. forgive yourself when you have nothing nice to say about anything. humans sometimes think like that. forgive yourself for the times you spent with the guy you don't have many good things to say about. he was unkind and he is not your fault. forgive the nights you cannot sleep--sadness or an unnamed force pressing heavy on your chest. forgive the mistakes of the last several years. so you made them. okay. enough. move on. forgive yourself for actually loving yourself--the scars all over your skin, the sharpness of your tongue but the softness of your heart, the the curve of your hips and to hell with a society that suggests you should not. keep some secrets closer. forgive yourself that you did not choose an easier path. and forgive yourself for the sadness you caused those around you. the broken-promises. the things that went unsaid. fear was prominent and gnawing deep. forgive yourself. you did not give enough thanks and you were damn hard to love. forgive yourself. forgive the anger you feel. feel the anger and then look at it with kinder eyes. soft eyes. forgive yourself for not handling it all better, for feeling like you let others down. forgive yourself. you did what you could what you had and the only way you knew how. and the road is not yet finished, so why try to rush the whole thing?

so celebrate. celebrate the fact that your road has twists and bends and adventures and some major departures. celebrate your story and the blemishes in it. the blemishes in your skin. sure, go ahead and buy yourself some of that expensive Clinique serum that promises it makes those fine lines in between your eyebrows and underneath your eyes disappear. but when the day comes that those fine lines don't fade so easily into the background, celebrate. look up and give thanks. humanity is visible on you. and that is worth a celebration. you will be loved more for this. you will love yourself more for this. and please, send that love into the world and let it fill you up. open up your heart and live ferociously. begin to live and work and fight and play and love with an unparalleled ferocity. love with all the kindness in the world. set fear aside. keep your shoulders back, your chest out, and your chin up. you have all the armor that you need. see with wide loving eyes and always laugh. always, always laugh.


thanks, scot, for the milkshake.




xo.pa