&hearts

I used to believe that love was this elusive thing, like February 29th or Halley's Comet, that would travel through my hemisphere only once in a blue moon. And I'd be lucky if--and only if--I were able to catch it as it flew by. 

This notion stuck with me throughout most of my young life--through the YA romance novels, the Nicholas Sparks movies, the Pablo Nerudas, the sappy yet sad songs, and especially the can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, World Series kinda stuff. 

But one day I fell in love. And everything I had previously thought seemed to be completely validated. 

It was playful, and dizzying, and exciting, and fun and just about everything else you'd ever expect from falling in love for the first time. For a while, this person held me together. My heart. My mind. My soul. Until all of the sudden, he let go. And when I fell apart, so did the very foundation of the thing I had always believed to be love.

Piecing my life back together after this was grueling. 

And there are other instances when the grout crumbled and there I stood broken. 

Break-ups. Loss. Confusion. Loneliness. Whatever.

Piecing my life back together after was grueling.  

And however inconsequential and small it seems in the grand scheme of things, heartbreak is a real, physical type of pain that manifests itself by twisting your stomach into all kinds of knots, and bringing out the ugliest of insecurities.

And it hurts. It just hurts.

But what I've learned is that if you can get through it, there is a wholeness waiting for you on the other side. (Notice the word "through" is not "over.") 

A wholeness that contains real love. The type of love that makes you confident without make-up. Independent. Fierce. The kind of love that keeps you from feeling lonely. Even when you are alone. A safe place to unravel. Laughter. 

I find it in the love of my friends, my family, and my God. 

I find it in the world around me, but most importantly I have found it in myself.

Love is not elusive anymore. It's not to be searched for. Because love is always there.

It is simply always there.

It's in the quiet moments, watching Gilmore Girl reruns in bed with your best friend. It's in those late night talks, those heated games of Kemps, those blissful drives, blasting your "Car ride Bumpin" playlist with the windows rolled down--it's there. 

I just had to recognize it.

The universe is in no debt to me. But in any circumstance, goodness is to be found.

If that isn't love, I don't know what is. 

xo.pa